Not a day goes by that I don’t get asked “how do you do it ?” . There is no simple answer , I am human and my feelings are real . The title of the post is *This is what grief looks like* . Well , the answer itself is non exsistant , there isn’t one . Everyone deals with things differently and there is no right nor wrong way . For me , my grief has many faces , some sad, some happy , some that give me strenghth and some that tear me down . I have learned that grief is so personal and individual that you can’t take the advice of others who have gone through it because you have to find what works for you not what someone tells you to do . At first I felt guilty because I wasn’t sad all day every day like I was “supposed” to be and then I realized it is ok , and just because your not crying doesn’t mean your not grieving . I went through that stage of it and now I choose to be happy and allow myself to laugh and and not feel guilt . Certain things bring certain emotions for me , for instance. When I hear certiain songs my heart melts I get sad and I cry . When I am having a rough time and I start to feel the self pity I remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for and that brings me back to grounded and greatful . When I make dinner and it is something I know Jake would have asked for I feel appreciated even though he didn’t ask this time . If I have a bad day and no matter what I do I just can’t seem to be happy and all I want to do is cry , I do , I cry and I tend to isolate myself and talk to Jake and let myself have the melt down and that’s ok . When I get a text from my daughter telling me she is have a really bad “Jake” day which means in code that she is feeling sad that day , my heart breaks and I just want to make it all better for her and I feel helpless that I can’t . The biggest one I struggle with is the anger … I am still very angry and I choose hold on to that one for now and I’m comfortable with that because it gives me strength , and right now I need that strength to get me through the things I must do to make sure Jakes story is told to be sure he gets the justice he deserves. Even with all of that said, whenever I hear someone talk about Jake I feel my favorite emotion about grief , PRIDE , I am so proud to be Jakes mom and to know he touched so many people and how much good he has in his heart . There are just so many different emotions that go along with grief . It is such a huge spectrum depending on the situation and there is no timeline . It isn’t like there is an instruction maual that says , ok on this day and at this time you are going to feel …….. somedays I wish there were. I still struggle with which emotion to feel next . But all in all I think I continue to move forward and do the best that I can with the had I have been dealt. So I hope you can understand the process a little more clear now and will have patience with others going through grief . And remember you don’t know who that may be . As a mom of an angel we dont have a dress code or a certain look that help you pick us out of a crowd , we are just like you only we are missing a huge part of our hearts . Please keep that in mind the next time you see someone having a rough day or struggling , you never know what that person is going through . Be understanding and respectful of their feelings and remember… Always stay humble and kind .